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24 April 2004 @ 11:26 pm
 
I am really starting to lose my grip. These past few days have been especially bad. I feel really sick, but I won't go to the doctor. All the things I usually love doing I don't feel like it. Like RPing. Even if it's a thread I really want to do, I get a couple of comments in and then I start to think I don't want to play anymore. I don't write, I don't make anything anymore, I haven't done a single thing to fix my LJ or my website. I've seriously considered giving up my place as guest at PortCon.

When I went to my grandmother's all I wanted to do was cry. I even rented a movie that usually made me cry, and I just felt nothing. I want to cry now but I won't. While trying to re-DL episode 36 of Get Backers I found myself searching for and downloading hentai. I didn't get off on it or enjoy it. I didn't even make fun of it. I don't know why I did it at all.

Mars got asked to be a mod of Si-Gawa, and saw it coming long ago and I am really happy for her, but I feel really weird when I think about it. I am not jealous because I was sincere when I told her I didn't want to be a mod. Honest to God I don't want to. When she said she'd go on a power trip it got worse. I have absolutely no idea why, either. Just when I think of her as a mod it feels...different.

People keep offering to lend me money lately. Money to go somewhere, money to get away. I keep turning it all down. Am I really that much of a charity case? I try to keep my complaining to a bare minimum. I try to talk about bullshit things, but when all of the things I loved to talk about suddenly don't appeal to me, does it really show that much?

I really don't feel good anymore. Physically, mentally, or emotionally.