Oh, and yes, this is the continuation on The Female of the Species, although it ended up being not so smutty so much as it is humorous. So it's barely even a hard R. Or hard M on the retarded new rating system, but that sounds dirtier for some reason. :P
Disclaimer- I do not own Hellsing, nor do I own the idea of this fic. That belongs solely to Thess (the fic, not Hellsing), who gave me permission to write a continuation of her amazing fic "The Female of the Species" (because she ended it teasing us with smut but didn’t deliver. :P Not that I think she should have, because it is her prerogative, but...yeah). She also gave me a few ideas on how to write this when I was having some trouble. I can never hope to do the original material justice, so I hope you like my meager contribution.
Folie á Deux
By A Guy Named Goo
"When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event."-
Robert M Pirzig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Walter hesitated for a moment in front of the bathroom door in Integral’s bedroom, holding a couple fresh towels tucked beneath his arm. After a few seconds, he rose his fist to knock, but then lowered it. Although he was now a member of the Twelve Conventions and a representative of the city’s vampires, inside Hellsing manor he was still very much a servant, a servitude that extended beyond his retainership in life and had stronger, darker ties, the ones that bound a vampire to a much stronger member of his own kind.
Walter wasn’t sure what was keeping him from going into the bathroom right now. Integral had ordered him to furnish her bathroom with towels earlier that day, before the fateful meeting where his identity had been unveiled for the rest of the Conventions members. As she’d spoken, he’d felt something weighty in her crimson gaze, seen something alien in her smirk. He knew that those things were purely Alucard, but being as they were one in the same now, even if Alucard had been the one to make the order, Walter still had no choice but to follow it.
He could still hear running water on the other side of the door. Running water and...moaning? He had no doubt that Alucard used their time alone to exploit Integral’s body, and he was caught in a dilemma: would Integral be angrier if he interrupted her during a private moment, or if she finished her shower and had no towels? Finally deciding it was time to take some initiative, he raised his fist again and knocked once, firmly.
It seemed as if time had frozen, replaced instead with a kind of tension, as the only sound heard from the other side of the door was the shower running. It didn’t last long, however, as it was interrupted by Integral’s familiar voice asking “who is it?”
“Walter,” was the curt reply. “I have towels.”
Her voice started to say something that he couldn’t quite make out, as it was interrupted by the pitch lowering significantly, a devilish lilt to it. “Come in.”
Well, that was the permission he was looking for. Without another moment’s hesitation, he opened the door to the spacious private bathroom. It was dark inside, but Walter could see everything just fine as he placed the towels on the counter next to one of the twin sinks. He would have just left after that, had he not chanced a glance toward the shower.
The glass door had been opened a fraction, so that if one walked into the bathroom they would probably think it was still closed, but still enough that from Walter’s angle he could see inside the glass-encased stall, albeit just a sliver of what was going on inside. Walter tried to fight the urge to look inside, but as a pale foot casually darted out and pushed the door wide open. He tried to divert his gaze to the floor at first, shuddering at the thought of the water seeping through carpet and beginning to mildew, but it was a losing battle. His head moved up to face inside the shower, as if someone had seized his chin and yanked his face upward.
The sight inside was quite an eyeful, and immediately Walter knew he probably wasn’t supposed to see this particular portion of the activities. At the same time, he had the nagging suspicion that someone did want him to see. Pressed up against the porcelain tile of the shower was none other than Seras Victoria, her mouth open ever so slightly as she made interesting gasping noises, intermingled with an occasional curse in a pitch too low and uncharacteristic of her to be anyone but Captain Bernadette. However, the view of her naked body was obscured by the presence of Integral, who currently had her face bent over Seras’s neck, her backside exposed to the shower’s spray and Walter’s view. Shadows were coming off of her body, trailing alongside both of their bodies as well as between them.
Although Seras looked directly at Walter, she didn’t seem to process he was there for a few seconds. Suddenly, her eyes widened, and her body tensed enough that Integral started to raise her face from what she had been doing at her neck. “Walter?” Seras asked.
Integral didn’t seem nearly as surprised. After all, she (or Alucard) had allowed him to come in in the first place, and Walter had no doubt that Alucard was the one who was allowing him to watch the show. But just because Alucard decided to have a little fun didn’t mean Integral was aware of everything he was doing. She turned around slowly, first looking at the opened shower door, then turning to face Walter. She peered at him through half-lidded eyes, licking her lips in a way that was uncharacteristic of her.
“Enjoying the show?” she asked. At least, it sounded like her. It was her pitch and her cadence, after all. She stepped away from Seras from a moment, leaving the captain naked and exposed for him to see. For a moment Seras just blushed, but as Integral leaned out of the shower stall a bit, allowing Walter full view of her body as well, Seras conspicuously raised an eyebrow and leaned over to get a better view of her backside. Or rather, someone who happened to share Seras’s body did.
Integral’s voice deepened, and her grin was absolutely devilish. “Perhaps you would like to join us?”
“What?” Pip asked, nearly falling over in the shower stall before catching himself on the towel rack, bending it a bit. “Hey, no one asked us if we wanted more people in to join us. Don’t you think we have more than enough as it is?”
Seras regained control along with her footing. “Pip, hush! If that’s what...they want, then we have no place to argue.” She was blushing again.
“I didn’t approve it,” Integral snapped, turning to glare at Seras for a moment, before turning back to Walter. “Walter, you’ve done your job. You’re dismissed.”
“You mean you’re not interested in him in the slightest?” Alucard asked out loud, so that all parties present could hear his argument with his former Master. “Your captain seems eager to have him join us as well...”
“And her captain isn’t,” Pip argued. Shadows began to swirl around their legs, disappearing into the sensitive area between them. Pip made an interesting choking noise, but as he began to pant the tone shifted back to Seras’s as she tried to remain standing.
Alucard laughed slightly. “You’re oddly possessive, Captain Bernadette. Are you willing to share her as long as the partner seems to be female, but not with another male?” He leaned back over Seras’s body, whispering in her ear. “Typical male fantasy.”
Walter was thoroughly confused as to what to do now. He had two very different orders from the dueling personalities of his master, and no way of knowing which one carried more weight than the other. And he couldn’t help but stare as the shadows continued their violation of the lovely former police girl. He’d be lying if he said he’d never imagined her in similar situations before, with himself in place of their commander.
Although the shadows stayed put, Integral’s body moved back around to face Walter. “I think we could have a lot of fun with him. You would disappoint me if you shared Captain Bernadette’s petty jealousies, Integra. Especially after what you accused me of...”
Some of the shadows were slowly trailing up Integral’s leg as well, but if she noticed them she made no indication of it. “This has nothing to do with ‘jealousy’. It has everything to do with this particular moment not being of Walter’s concern. If you are that desperate for his affections, you can discuss it with me later.” The shadows finally reached between her legs, but unlike Seras she managed to keep her balance, closing her crimson eyes for a moment and nearly forgetting what she had just been talking about.
Suddenly, her eyes snapped open once more. “Walter, you’re dismissed.” She grabbed the glass door of the shower stall and pulled it closed so hard it was a miracle that it didn’t shatter, but the finality of the gesture left no doubt in Walter’s mind what orders he was to follow.
He stepped back out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him and leaning against it heavily. Well, that was most unexpected. And yet, in some twisted way, it made some sort of sense: who better to understand the needs of two people in one body than someone who was in a similar situation?
At any rate, Walter now knew he needed one of two things: a little time to himself where it was dark and private, or his own cold shower.