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15 April 2005 @ 12:59 am
Yan Valentine At Work  
This is why Yan Valentine can't do my job. For those of you who don't know, I work for Dell selling extended warranties in a telemarketing sense. We have three kinds of calls: 3 week, where the people have new comps and qualify for 50% discounts (first 45 days after invoice date) or Complete Care (first 30 days after invoice date); 48 week, where the one year contract is about to expire; and 10 week, where the 90 day contract is about to expire (same as a 48 week call, only with people wondering why the hell they have a 90 day warranty instead of a full year. Every time. Without fail). We got new calls today, which were almost entirely 3 week calls.

So without further ado, I present to you Yan Valentine's Script for 3 Week Calls:

Hey there, bitch/bastard! So you finally decided to scrap the piece of shit you've been calling technology and invested in one of those computer things, eh? Then you'll agree with me that it's probably a hell of a lot better than the stone tablets and chisels you were using. Seriously, why the fuck did you wait this long to invest in something decent? So anyway, now you've got the damn thing set up and you're ass-deep in porn and happy about it. That's a good thing. It'll also fuck up your computer. And when that computer fucks up, you're going to whine at us. Well, good news: we're so damn nice here at Dell we actually have people whose lives consist solely of listening to you bitch and moan. But according to this, you only have 90 days/1 year to waste our time as you fucking please. But we can fix that! Right now, we can extend that fucking sweet coverage you know you'll be abusing starting at 4 years for $229/3 years for $210! And is your dick hard/are your panties wet yet? 'Cause it gets better! You get a $50 mail-in rebate! Which means more porn! So can I sign you up for that?

No? Well, you son of a bitch/fucking whore, remember something: I know where you live!
CRAZY OLD MAURICEvroom on April 14th, 2005 10:47 pm (UTC)
That's just too perfect <3
DreadNotdreadnot on April 14th, 2005 11:14 pm (UTC)
You do so love your job. XD I'm sure there are days you're dying for his script. ^^
 « аѕн  || мєоо :/_anus on April 14th, 2005 11:21 pm (UTC)
haha, precious.
Chillin' with the Giggle Cat: Chairman Kaganinjanao on April 14th, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC)
heh... we would not mind having Yan call us. ^^; Of course, Rip could give him the run around and have some fun... I think my number is the house though, not here. I think I got a year warranty. I think the funniest to answer 'telemarketer' calls is Fujin.
ಠ_ಠ: too slowowl_in_shower on April 15th, 2005 04:21 am (UTC)
You get a $50 mail-in rebate! Which means more porn!

Willow the Wandererwillowanderer on April 15th, 2005 05:10 am (UTC)
*Snerks* I don' know, it sounds intrisnicly more honest than the smarmy people I usualy get. At least I can get offended by the language, not the condesending attitude.
riandrielriandriel on April 15th, 2005 07:14 am (UTC)
Perferct Yan. Too bad he can't come to where I work:

"So, ya drank a case of beer/fifth of liquor everyday of your adult life and now ya got the fuckin' nerve to complain your hurtin'? Did it ever pass through that jelly-bowl you call your mind drinkin' that much alcohol might be bad for you? Or were you too busy getting plowed and pukin' your guts up? Stupid fuckin' asshole/bitch!"
Kerokiwi_kero on April 15th, 2005 10:49 am (UTC)
*fears a call like that*
Rami: PORN! //snake_ladyvelvet_ropes on April 15th, 2005 01:08 pm (UTC)
XD That is so freaking hilarious!!! XD It's best when I read it out loud to myself. <333
dracschickdracschick on April 15th, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC)
very good....
made me smile:)
Zimon: Luke smirk - by  hobolisciouszimon66 on April 15th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC)