A Guy Named Goo (aguynamedgoo) wrote,
A Guy Named Goo
aguynamedgoo

Yan Valentine At Work

This is why Yan Valentine can't do my job. For those of you who don't know, I work for Dell selling extended warranties in a telemarketing sense. We have three kinds of calls: 3 week, where the people have new comps and qualify for 50% discounts (first 45 days after invoice date) or Complete Care (first 30 days after invoice date); 48 week, where the one year contract is about to expire; and 10 week, where the 90 day contract is about to expire (same as a 48 week call, only with people wondering why the hell they have a 90 day warranty instead of a full year. Every time. Without fail). We got new calls today, which were almost entirely 3 week calls.

So without further ado, I present to you Yan Valentine's Script for 3 Week Calls:

Hey there, bitch/bastard! So you finally decided to scrap the piece of shit you've been calling technology and invested in one of those computer things, eh? Then you'll agree with me that it's probably a hell of a lot better than the stone tablets and chisels you were using. Seriously, why the fuck did you wait this long to invest in something decent? So anyway, now you've got the damn thing set up and you're ass-deep in porn and happy about it. That's a good thing. It'll also fuck up your computer. And when that computer fucks up, you're going to whine at us. Well, good news: we're so damn nice here at Dell we actually have people whose lives consist solely of listening to you bitch and moan. But according to this, you only have 90 days/1 year to waste our time as you fucking please. But we can fix that! Right now, we can extend that fucking sweet coverage you know you'll be abusing starting at 4 years for $229/3 years for $210! And is your dick hard/are your panties wet yet? 'Cause it gets better! You get a $50 mail-in rebate! Which means more porn! So can I sign you up for that?

No? Well, you son of a bitch/fucking whore, remember something: I know where you live!
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