So without further ado, I present to you Yan Valentine's Script for 3 Week Calls:
Hey there, bitch/bastard! So you finally decided to scrap the piece of shit you've been calling technology and invested in one of those computer things, eh? Then you'll agree with me that it's probably a hell of a lot better than the stone tablets and chisels you were using. Seriously, why the fuck did you wait this long to invest in something decent? So anyway, now you've got the damn thing set up and you're ass-deep in porn and happy about it. That's a good thing. It'll also fuck up your computer. And when that computer fucks up, you're going to whine at us. Well, good news: we're so damn nice here at Dell we actually have people whose lives consist solely of listening to you bitch and moan. But according to this, you only have 90 days/1 year to waste our time as you fucking please. But we can fix that! Right now, we can extend that fucking sweet coverage you know you'll be abusing starting at 4 years for $229/3 years for $210! And is your dick hard/are your panties wet yet? 'Cause it gets better! You get a $50 mail-in rebate! Which means more porn! So can I sign you up for that?
No? Well, you son of a bitch/fucking whore, remember something: I know where you live!